Horoscopes for June 24, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! After tonight’s party, you will find yourself in late December with a sign over your head that reads “Six Months Later…” Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Most people believe that your voice just doesn’t go with your face. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will overhear people standing outside your room using words like “Zrrrrptth”,  “Buzzzip” “Thrrrizz”  & “Zillltharpt” to describe the sound of you plugging in your new lamp. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will come into some money in the very near future.  Of course, it won’t be unexpected, payday is coming up really soon. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will wonder if people will offer your head for sale on eBay in five hundred years.  The better question is “Will eBay still be around in five hundred years.”  Your skull might actually be sold, but we believe that there will be a much different platform through which it will be sold, but it will be guaranteed to be one of the most unique ash trays ever sold. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Dance… but don’t do so when you’re naked…. that’s just 40 sorts of wrong. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will be asked to join a very exclusive club, but they only want you so that they can show you off and tell other people that they invite people from all walks of life.  Turn them down and tell them that they’re not good enough for you.  Then get revenge by telling everyone you know that they wanted you to join and help them achieve their goals.  Their credibility will be shot and they’ll be forced to disband. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Since your theory about the electric company was proven yesterday, you will now begin to postulate how the power can be taken from them, without having to purchase it from them. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today is not the first day of the rest of your life.  It’s Friday. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so funny about the name Uranus. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will finally bring yourself to try the tentacled goodness that is calamari.  Good for you… let us know how it tastes, because we can’t stand the though of eating it. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The stars have consulted with their colleagues about your request but regret to tell you that they cannot approve.]]]]> ]]>