Horoscopes for July 11, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Someone’s careless words will break your heart, but you should look on the bright side of things.  At least it was words that broke your heart and not an axe.  Which brings us to a new saying… It’s better to live with a broken heart that to die of one!  Think it’ll catch on? Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Just a piece of advice.  When you’re stalking someone, be less obvious.  You’ve been spotted five times already and your target is getting a little creeped out! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) A feeling of shame and dread will come over you today when you realize that you’ve been misinterpreting the signals that your boss has been sending you. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will be surprised to find that most dentists aren’t able to help you with your new and sudden need. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will return from your weekend trip to find your next-door neighbor taking back all of his stuff out of your house. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of comfort and spiritual strength despite your consistent protests and the endless stream of curse words that come flying from your mouth when he sprinkles you with holy water. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will witness a UFO today, but are keenly aware that if you say anything people will continue to laugh at you.  Carry the secret with you and be smug in your knowledge that they weren’t chosen by the great aliens to bear witness to their impending invasion!  We’re glad that we finally have someone to talk to about it. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Be careful…  your hearing problems have been getting you into a little trouble lately and today that trouble could be compounded.  Someone will offer to teach you the meaning of paint as it applies to canvas… you will hear that they are offering to teach you the meaning of pain and will be prone to overreact, but if you heed our advice, you’ll keep your kiester out of jail and that kind artist out of the hospital! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope today, you will fail. Just breathe in and out and wait for tomorrow. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) It seems that everyone who knows you loves you, but your significant other seems to be bothered by the fact that you love so many of them back. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time if only you had love life.]]]]> ]]>