Horoscopes for September 19, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   You are older, but are you wiser?  Will you still fall for the old “magic candles” gag? We’re betting that you won’t.  Please don’t disappoint us.  We really want that new 3D plasma screen television! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You would be more successful at starting a relationship if you either (a) didn’t run out of breath when inflating your companion; (b) learned to type faster so you could me more effective in a chat room or (c) – the most preferable of choices – decided to get out of the house and meet a REAL person. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Be happy before lunch.  Worry later in the day. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The ends are not gonna meet at all this month. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your last few tries at pushing yourself away from the table have been unsuccessful.  Might we suggest installing some sort of electrical device that will give your backside a small shock to encourage you to get up.  This could help you tremendously.  Even if you didn’t get up, the electricity running through your butt might make it a little firmer.  Remember those ab belts that were so popular?  This could have the same kind of effect. Hmmm…  That gives us an idea… We’ll talk to you when we get finished at the US Patent Office.  Coming soon…  “The Butt Blaster”  Blast away the cellulite while you eat, watch TV or surf the web!  Never exercise your butt again! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Someone you owe money to will find you today.  Nobody will send you a “Get Well Soon” card, but your mom will send a “Thank You” card to the person who put you on Injured Reserve. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Most people describe you as a “warm and caring person.”  This translates to the fact that everyone thinks that you are naive and don’t have the brains that God gave a brass billy goat. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will discover that your soul-mate has been drinking beer in your bed with your best friend.  Do you really think that was all they were doing? Leo (July 23 – August 22) Place a quarter on the back of the toilet in the bathroom at work.  See how long it stays there.  That’s probably the most fun you will have all day. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) All the time that you spent worrying about what you were gonna do with your life when you grew up won’t matter after you get those shiny bracelets later today. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Pluto is moving behind Uranus.  What it’s doing there, nobody knows, but the video will probably sell for about 20 bucks a pop, so… Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will realize that your significant other has not been “playing” dumb.  This is a sign. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Gone are the days when you didn’t know the future when..  Oh… wait… we’ll leave you in suspense for one more day.  Relish this moment.  You won’t ever have another one like it.]]]]> ]]>