Horoscopes for November 15, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!!!  Talk with your mouth full of birthday cupcakes! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) A large man in a black suit will appear on your doorstep.  It’s not the Publishers Clearing House guy! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) It’s not Cinco de Mayo, but it sure feels like a Mas Tequila kind of day. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You are in need of some personal attention.  Look to your significant other and when they completely ignore you, go take a long, hot bath.  It will relax you.  Hey… don’t you remember the Calgon commercials?  “Calgon, take me away!” Aries (March 21 – April 19) You should purge all of the bad things from your life.  Before purging all that junk food, think about this wonderful colony of people that love and adore you.  We don’t need the veggies… just the good stuff… uh… BAD STUFF! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will be overwhelmed with noise today and will long for a silence so deafening that you can hear a butterfly scream. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Early in the morning the sun will come out.  Sometimes later in the day it will go and hide.  How’s that for accuracy! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The only large figures that you are likely to see are the ones that you see every time you step on a scale. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all about the game and how you play it.  It’s actually about not getting caught cheating when you play the game. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today will be as fun as a party at a leper colony! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Do your best Gallagher impression.  Smash a watermelon with a ridiculously huge sledgehammer. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) It is time for you to break the vicious cycle of abuse.  Just let your dominant co-worker continue to berate you and stop taking it out on your keyboard.  You’re beginning to cost the company money and the boss is gonna notice when you have to replace another piece of office equipment. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Find a guy named Kenneth.  Ask him what the frequency is.  If he doesn’t know, continue your search.]]]]> ]]>