Horoscopes for December 1, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!!!  It’s time to celebrate!!!  There are many great days ahead of you this year.  First it’s your birthday and you get really cool presents because it’s right after “Black Friday.”  Next it’s more holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Friday, etc…)  Then, to end out the month,  it’s Drunken Debauchery Day – also known as New Year’s Eve!  WOW!  What a great day to be born! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) That guy with the lisp is going to talk to you today.  He has a lot of words to say that contain the letter S.  Try not to laugh.  He’s really sensitive. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The only toys you are allowed to play with anymore are stuffed animals.  Anything else is too dangerous. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Tacos al Carbon would be a good choice for lunch!  We know that you have problems making up your mind. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Place three candles on the kitchen table.  Drape some fake holly leaves around the candles and call the centerpiece done.  Stop fretting about what your house will look like during the holidays.  Your friends and family already know that you’re a slob.  They’ll be surprised if you actually vacuum. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Chess matches are hard to win when you have no pawns.  Speaking of pawns… don’t you think you should go get that stuff out of the pawn shop before your best friend realizes that it’s missing? Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Head on… apply directly to the forehead.  Head on… apply directly to the forehead.  Head on… apply directly to the forehead. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Gee.  Did  you really think that it was a good idea to tell your friend the truth about how you feel about them.  Now they’re creeped out and really don’t know what to do about things. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Just when you thought it was safe to go outside, there’s a deer standing in your driveway preventing you from getting into the truck where the gun is. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Repeat your daily routine.  Nobody will notice the fact that you have new shoes. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Two down, one to go…  let’s talk about the leg warmers and sweatbands when you go to work out.  You could also wear a shirt that actually still has the neck in it!  Dressing up like the girl in Flashdance does not become you! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Splish Splash – It’s time for your annual bath! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Watch where you walk today.  Cats have left little presents for you all over the place.]]]]> ]]>