Horoscopes for June 28, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Make sure you wear your hat everywhere you go! This is a festive way to remind everyone of your special day. Much better than pinning a dollar to your shirt. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You should try and not get involved today. In anything. Whatsoever. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) When you think about that thing, have a cookie. We figure that your worries over your weight are much greater than that other thing. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You should wear a clown nose to work today. When your boss asks you why, just tell him that the long hours and horrible working conditions have cracked your psyche. Nobody will fire somebody in a clown’s nose. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will be halfway through a gallon of ice cream by 7 p.m. Yeah, it’s going to be that bad. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You need to clean up your act. And your apartment. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You should brag on yourself today. Nobody else seems very interested in doing it for you and you deserve recognition for your actions. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Another day, another dollar. Bah! That’s such a lie. It’s more like another day, another kick in the face of what is left of your dignity. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You need to give into your cravings. Unless, of course, you are craving corn nuts. Never ever eat corn nuts, they are nasty. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Tumble weeds will blow across the horizon. In the background, you will hear that old western song. Can’t you hear it? Wah, wah, wah. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Join a team sport. It will be good for you. Choose wisely. Competitive bug eating may not be your thing. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t over do it today. If you do too much, your heart rate may go above ‘barely alive’. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You need to broaden your horizons, open your mind to new people. Sure, the bum on the corner counts.]]]]> ]]>