Horoscopes for November 11, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!!!  Grab a snack cake and a candle.  That’s the extent of the party. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Some people call those things Palmetto Bugs! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your keys are somewhere in the midst of all that stuff you’ve got piled up on the kitchen table. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The last transmission from Alpha Centauri was garbled but it sounded like they said that your day was going to be awesome. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Pass the jelly! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your pop caught you smoking and he said no way but that hypocrite smokes two packs a day! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Smile at everyone today.  It will make them wonder what you are up to. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You have no received your call to action.  It is time for you to fight for the protection of the small-headed critlonian beetle.  We’re not even sure what it is but you are the one destined to lead the fight. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Leaning is your thing! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You house is beginning to smell rank.  Burn some candles if you don’t plan on cleaning. Libra (September 23 – October 22) There are black panthers crawling around in the woods near your house.  This could be your chance to cash in on Paul Ott’s $2,000 reward! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Jumping up and down for an extended period of time is not only a good way to lose weight but it’s also a good way to get you high… and it’s not even illegal! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Locking yourself in your bathroom may seem like a really good idea but do you really want your housemates using your kitchen sink as a urinal?]]]]> ]]>