Horoscopes for November 30, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!!!  What’s more important here is the fact that it is the last day of the month.  Try not to focus too hard on yourself and mourn the loss of No-Shave November.  Men everywhere are about to return to the razor and that is a very sad thing. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Your new iPad will not suddenly appear out of thin air, nor will it be delivered to your home by a jolly old fat man.  You will need to purchase it on your own, but we all know that you’re not going to be able to do that one!  Sad.  So sad! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Hammer and nails should be on your shopping list.  You will have need of them later today. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Pack a sandwich for lunch, you’re not leaving work thanks to a faulty car part. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Sprinkle salt around the edges of your windows.  This will keep the demons from getting inside and wreaking havoc. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) We understand that yesterday’s color of the day did not suit you well.  Maybe you will be happier with today’s color: Aquamarine. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will need stitches because of a failed attempt at smashing a beer can against your forehead. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You should spend some time editing your e-mail subscriptions. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Yes.  For the last friggin’ time, the answer is YES!  We will no longer answer that question. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will notice that you show all the signs of being a psychopath.  You will feel bad for those people you love and the bad things that they must think of you.  Then you will think to yourself that you cannot be a psychopath because you feel empathy for others.  This will cause you to seek out a counselor.  You will spend your days wondering about what is wrong with you.  Let us clear things up.  WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT CRAZY… SOME MORE THAN OTHERS.   OUR ANCESTORS WENT FOR CENTURIES WITHOUT HAVING TO CONSULT A SHRINK ABOUT THINGS…  GO AND BE WITH YOUR FAMILY AND STOP WASTING YOUR TIME! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Ok… you listened to us yesterday.  Now let’s talk about your corduroy pants…. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Didn’t your mom tell you to NEVER say never.  Guess what today’s gonna be like. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Kegstands are not considered great ways of working out!]]]]> ]]>