Horoscopes for October 31, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   Today’s a good day for a haircut! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will see a unicorn, a leprechaun and a genie while you’re at lunch.  We’re not sure about what you’ve been taking, but you may want to have your doctor adjust your medications. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Today, you will have the overwhelming urge to plant a garden.  You’re either really late, or really early! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) There will be an old man sitting next to you and he will be making love to his tonic and gin. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The pipes are stopped up in the toilet.  Plunge it before you use it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Dance. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will eat more candy than you can possibly imagine.  Small children will gang up and attack you for stealing their stashes. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will tune into pro wrestling tonight for the first time in years and will be surprised to see that it still looks the same as it did when you quit watching it regularly. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Block out the last 48 hours.  It will help you immensely. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) A guy named Jeffy will come up to you today and offer to sell you tickets to the Bryan Adams concert.   Don’t buy them.  The concert was last night! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Plan your day carefully and avoid the bill collectors. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will single-handedly be responsible for reviving fanny packs and leg warmers.   We could have done without the leg warmers, but the fanny pack was completely awesome! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Congregating on the corner may be the perfect place to socialize with your friends, but you are starting to make people very nervous.]]]]> ]]>